CAN SOMEONE help answer my question?
Is it possible to have psychosis/paranoia AND be on a manic high?
My situation - residual depression, as a result of psychosis.
Back in 2010, I finished @ a 7-10 grade school and went to a 11-12 grade school. At the beginning, I went from a person - who didn’t care about school and was just going with the flow, I had no self-esteem, and that’s all I really remember - to a person who was studious, had self esteem and confidence, I put in effort and gave things a go - I could not believe how happy I was, I was such a positive person and I gave everything my best shot.
But for a while - the furthest back I could remember was roughly a year prior - I was developing paranoid thoughts/feelings (summarised - trusted no one, theories of world watching me, wanting to harm me, the Devil want to take me to hell, and I saw many ‘signs’ around me that ‘back-up’ these theories up…), and they were becoming worse and worse, even though I was still happy. But one night I saw a ‘sign’ too many and I ‘broke down’ and I cried and wouldn’t remove myself from my bed, not even look up.
From then on it’s like that ‘happy’ me quickly faded away and I was depressed from then on.
Do you think that that could have been a manic high mixed with psychosis, and then I came down from that manic high???
it’s that time of the month again… - entry 12/05/12 8:42 PM
i am full of rage, set off by small, insignificant, petty little upsets.
i want to hurt myself but i am to scared to feel pain.
perhaps maybe all this rage is just anything and everything that upset me in the tiniest fraction and a little bit more, over the past - until the last time i cried that is.
i am angry at myself - because i am an idiot, i make stupid mistakes all the time. and seconds into doing something by brain stops working and i lose my train of thought i end up thinking about nothing at all and therefore stuffing up the task at hand. i am an idiot i know this. for other kinds of reasons too.
i want to tell everyone i am not right sometimes, my brain really doesn’t function properly, but then i can’t even explain that to myself let alone the people i work with or am surrounded by. esspecially because there is nothing wrong with me i am just a lazy, low functioning, will powerless imbocile.
things that make me aggravated -
my dry hands, they’re cracking and itching, they’re sore and dry.
when my hair grows out and i need a hair cut and a wax LOL but true.
technology ie computers and phones.
my clumsiness during my period
being sweaty
this crack on my top lip, when i move my mouth around for whatever reason - smiling or crying - it slightly shocks me and it hurts, and sometimes slightly bleeds too.
my thought process. the only time i feel i can really talk/think about how i feel is when i am writing an entry. otherwise, i feel self absorbed, or like a massive sook - which i am sometimes. also, when someone asks me an open question - it’s not that i have too much to say to construct it all into a sentence, it’s just that anything i do feel is so, so vague and to be honest what i can gather up from my thoughts i am not too sure about.
particular sounds - for example loud eating/drinking (even if i may do it myself), or the sound of a noisy iron, sometimes the sound of rummaging and just other sounds i hear and occasionally it will tick me off.
my stupid typing and writing errors - for example i just wrote the word ‘my’ instead of ‘but’, only realised after reading back, and stuff like this happens too often and it really gets to me. i don’t seem to make typo’s, rather, i am like my own autocorrect, i tend to write a whole different word to one i intended to write or type.
—
i just don’t know how to feel. about my thoughts, the world, how to live my life, morals, spirituality, general thoughts and views, perspectives and opinions - sometimes i feel i could go both one way, or the other). i am lost, confused, stuck. i am doing nothing really apart from going with the flow. because what else can i do.
i am not really a person, not really, not a full, whole person. i am mostly blank and perhaps empty, i am boring boring boring, there is no depth to me. i am like a picture someone tried to paint but made a few mistakes and left it there, so now what ever brush strokes are on the canvas leave a vague picture, not leaving much to tell.
—
i hate getting my period, not only because it makes me feel gross and kind of uneasy the whole time, but because i get so emotional. i want to scream and i often do. i want to yell and i often will. i want to throw things and smack things and break things and rage and rage and i often do. the weirdest, and even creepy and sadistic thing is, that it’s almost as if i slightly feed of the angst i feel when something ticks me off. there are moments where it is like i want to feel the angst and then react by screaming and then throwing my flailing hand against something. and even if i don’t get that slight rush, i still want to throw the wooden chair to the ground and pick up and toss every small item that fits in my hand or hands, i will rock on the floor in a huddle, and then spread out and then slam my fist on the ground and God knows what else i just don’t know what else to do in those moments, i do it all until i, well, from memory - i don’t really remember what i do after, not after i get tired, tired of raging, and tired of being conscious, i know sometime i resort to here, writing an entry, and i guess that helps to an extent, but it still helps.
Cloud watching (my first video - didn’t quite go to plan - watch with sound)
entry 7/5/12 22:03
for a couple of days now, thinking i may be getting my period - irritable.
i am changing. i don’t like it; lazy - more than ever - in multiple ways. becoming inconsiderate/careless perhaps. lack interest, in everything. or if there is any it is short lived. i feel like i am ‘dumbing down’. like i am thick or slow. i can’t think properly, difficult to configure clear thoughts, thoughts that aren’t vague. my mind and memory are cloudy. i am conscious of appearing self absorbed. i am boring, i have nothing interesting to say. when i try to develop an opinion or configure how i feel i just get confused and almost stutter because i don’t know what i want to say - what is really on my mind?..
today someone asked me, in lunchroom conversation, “if you could change anything in your life, what would it be?”. i have to say, for once in my life, it didn’t take much thinking to come up with a decision - myself. but hold on, i’m having a big thought here, what about my mum??? i would like to change things for her; a new home, retirement, her weight, her state of mind. i would love to give her eternal happiness.
eh that’s all i can come up with. boring.
